imposter syndrome

imposter syndrome

noun

the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.

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Everyone is so much better than me.

How does everyone have their life together already?

I’ve been struggling with the feeling of not being good enough ever since I started studying here at UCLA. Ironic, isn’t it? I’ve finally gotten this far. I tried so hard and actually got accepted to my dream school, and it really does seem like a fantasy. But why would they want me? There were so many other better applicants than me. Why me?

Imposter syndrome.

Her silence, the dainty clasp to the mouth, the look on her face as she crumpled, the chair barely able to hold her up — the memories just won’t go away.

“Thank you for your application, but at this time…” she read as the bright screen illuminated her outline, only to have her voice trail off.

We had agreed to open our letters at the same time, to take a peek at our futures together. I think about it every time. Why didn’t K** get in? Why did I, over her? She was perfect. She was my idol. She was who I looked up to as a peer, as a friend.

She glanced over and upon seeing my shocked expression, congratulated me, even giving me a faint smile and a clap on the back. I was happy too, but I felt like a traitor. Shaking, I returned with a weak grin and a trembling “thank you.” Her look of disappointment won’t ever be erased from my jumbling mind.

Imposter syndrome.

I went to the new student orientation for incoming nursing students before the school year started. I already felt out of place there.

“Do you guys go over —- in the curriculum?”

What?

“What about —–?”

Huh?

I knew I would be struggling here, yet the inner masochist still decided to put myself through this torture for whatever payoff there was at the end.

Imposter syndrome.

I tried. I really did.

I joined a couple clubs and tried to fit in. But everywhere I looked, all I could see was blinding confidence. It’s happening again. The thing I thought I had defeated and boasted about in my college application? How I could finally “face my fears and look it in the eye,” even though people’s stares terrified me as they seemed to “pierce through my soul like the burning light from the sun?” It’s back.

I don’t belong here. And I don’t know if I ever will.

I’m an imposter.