nervous ~tingles~ as a freshman

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Hey! This is the first post EVER. I’m just getting started, so stay tuned for more of my posts. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates (if you want to?)

My hands are shaking as I write this, but here we are! I’m finally getting started on something I’ve thought about for a total of 1 hour before actually setting out to do it.

So, what am I procrastinating about this time?

Midterms.

Awful, stinking, stressful midterms.

I think the worst thing about UCLA is its quarter system. Students are expected to go to class for a total of less than 3 hours per week (this is per class) for about 4 weeks, then off to take an exam! That’s 12 hours of instruction time of just mind-numbing lecturing, then off to the first exam to test how well you absorbed and memorized all that information. And that’s only if you’re lucky enough to have a class that doesn’t have additional tests before the midterm. Then, rinse and repeat, and it’s time for finals! Yay…

So, here I am procrastinating and starting a blog. Which, disclaimer, is NOT the best idea especially since I already struggle so much with this school and its fast-paced learning model… but hey, do what makes you happy, right?

Speaking of happiness, I thought that the suffering that I went through in high school would bring me happiness after I came to college. I mean, what’s the point of sleepless nights, filled with long hours of cram studying, to take extensive exams that will apparently measure your intelligence so you can pay to send your scores to colleges and PRAY that you get chosen and prove to your parents that you’re worthy? Sorry, that was a lot. My point is, why did I try so hard to get into a “good” college, while putting my mental health at risk, just to do the same exact thing in college?

So far, I can say that the college experience kind of sucks. Sure, it’s great to have all this free time to do my own thing. But, really, it’s more like I need to spend more time studying using my free time that I would prefer to use to do my own thing. Does… that make sense? I have to spend more time self-studying rather than instructed teaching, when I want to be more free to do things that make me happy. It’s like I have no time to do things I enjoy if I want to pass my classes with a decent GPA (Grade Point Average).

Sure, maybe this is just a freshman thing, where I’m constantly lost and confused on what I’m supposed to be doing here. I should be positive and think that this is just a phase of transition, and that’s the only reason why I feel so lonely! That’s what people tell me. But, I’m still scared that it’s never going to change — that I’m always going to be a loner in college and all my time is going to be occupied by studying. It makes me anxious, thinking that I might never fit in with this school. It’s enough to make my stomach churn with bolts of energy flitting through my body, making my whole body vibrate in nervous tenseness — or maybe, that’s just the excessive caffeine I’ve had from my new-found coffee addiction. Either way, I’m petrified.

Anyway, I’ll be updating on my feelings about this school, so we’ll see if I change at all in the 4 years that I’m here for. But otherwise, I guess I’m currently stuck with the nervous tingles as a freshman.

Cheers to a good new year!